Fairy-tales versus faith.
I was addicted to fairy-tales and had a little faith. All my life I searched relentlessly for my prince charming or what I like to call, my other half. Instead of keeping the faith that love would appear when it was meant to, I wanted to rush love and thus suffered heartache after heartache. Finally one day, I thought I had found him. He was perfect and my faith had been restored! Or so it seemed. Maybe I just wanted him to be perfect. I had wanted so badly to fill the dream of love, that I didn’t quite see the reality of love.
Oh, we promised each other everything that new love promises. We promised never to hurt each other, never to go to bed angry and most of all, never to leave each other. We were going to grow old together. My inner fear that I would find myself old and alone, sitting on a park bench and feeding the pigeons, had instantly vanished. I was finally free from the never ending search for my other half. I couldn’t have been happier. Until the unexpected day that the illusion fell apart and I lost all faith in love once again.
“I don’t love you anymore.” I stared blankly at him in disbelief. It had been less than a year since our marriage. I could feel a horrendous feeling engulf my heart.
“What?” Is all I could muster, hoping this was a bad joke.
“I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. I want to end it.” My husband looked at me with eyes I had never seen.
Of course, you’re not in love with me anymore you a—-e. Is what I wanted to say. Love and being in love are two totally different things. Don’t you know that, you idiot! I was mentally screaming profanities at him.
But I couldn’t breathe and no words came.
“I’ll be packing my stuff and leaving in the next few days.”
Are you kidding? Are you that selfish? Are you so consumed by another woman’s bliss that you’ve forgotten our vows? All words that wouldn’t spill forth.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. I had given up everything to be with him.
Suddenly, the man I dearly loved, cherished and had promised my life to, was a complete stranger. I thought he had made the same promises as I did. I thought we were in this together, through all the ups and downs. I thought.
For the next weeks, I lived in a state of disbelief. My heart was shattered. It felt like a part of me had been ripped open and I plunged into a dark hole of depression. I found myself lying in my bath tub envisioning all the ways I could end my life. The anguish of loss was too great to bare. I thought of the gun that was still in the safe, inside the closet that he had yet to take. I had no idea how to use it, but I envisioned pointing it directly at my heart and pulling the trigger. My pain would be instantly gone. I envisioned furiously stabbing myself, with the blood turning my bath water from white bubbles to dark red. The pain would slowly be gone. I imagined taking an entire bottle of sleeping pills so I’d never have to wake up. The pain would never be remembered and be gone. All these scenarios engulfed me and I was dangerously close to grabbing that bottle. I simply couldn’t imagine my life without him. I couldn’t imagine that it was possible to overcome this. I couldn’t imagine that I would be OK on my own. He was my other half and I needed him. Obviously, I didn’t kill myself. I woke up the next morning and did the next best thing. I began drinking, smoking and dulling the pain as much as I could. I was in danger of my life falling even more apart. I had no faith at all that God was actually on my side. In fact, I blamed God for the mess I suddenly found myself in.
I just wanted the pain to go away and it wouldn’t. It lingered like the cigarette smoke on my clothes. It tasted and smelt bad. No matter what I did, the pain just seemed to get worse and worse as the days went on. I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep and I began seething with anger. The dark cloud of negativity and low vibration engulfed me. I was in a depression, grief, and despair.
Suddenly, in my darkest moment, a glimmer of light came shining in and in the most unexpected way.
“I’m taking you to church.” he said in a calm but stern voice.
“What?” My eyes became wide with disbelief.
“I’m taking you to church.” He repeated and added. “You don’t have a choice.”
“I’m not religious. ” I stated matter of factly and added. “I’m spiritual.”
“You heard me, you’re full of b—-t.”
“Well. How is church going to help me? God took away my husband.”
“No, he didn’t. Your husband left and that’s all. God loves you and is here for you.”
“God isn’t here. I wouldn’t be in this mess if He was.” I retorted, sadly.
“God is here for you. You’re just not listening.”
“God isn’t here!” I stomped my feet like a child.
My friend, patient with my childish tantrum continued.
“God is here for you. No matter what.”
“If God was here for me, He’d help me out a little.”
“He is. He’s standing right in front of you. God is here for you.” He repeated.
My new friend, who had quite unexpectedly re-entered my life was calling me on something. At the time I wasn’t quite sure what. At the time, I was too angry, upset and sad, to see that he was right. He was in a small way, God, reaching down his hand to lift me back up, and out of my self-created ashes. At the time, however, I was too full of fog to see clearly. Nevertheless, he kept persisting and wouldn’t give up on me.
He invited me over and over again for weeks.
Finally, he said, “Look this Sunday you are going. If you don’t go, I’ll just have to drag you there kicking and screaming.”
“Fine.” I finally gave in. “But I’m not going to enjoy it. I don’t believe in religion.” I was adamant about this. I believed in the Universe, energy, and God, in a different way than religion presented the Creator.
Sunday came and I went. To my surprise, it was absolutely nothing like the church I knew as a child. I had grown up Catholic. This was different. This was pleasantly different. The message spoke to me. It spoke directly to my heart – a message of love and forgiveness. A message that no matter what happens in our lives, God IS there for us. I came out of the sermon in tears. It was my first step towards healing. God had shown his light on me, even at my darkest hour. Even when I didn’t have any faith left in me. He was still there, waiting for me to simply take his hand. And he didn’t appear in the way I would have expected Him to. He came simply yet sternly.
My friend looked at me and smiled.
“See you don’t need anyone outside yourself. All you need is God. God is here for you, even when you don’t see it. God is all the love you need. Once you find joy and love with God, you will find what you are truly looking for. Take your time, heal your heart and most of all, have faith and let God in.”
At this, I smiled and I knew that everything was going to be OK.
If you are having a dark moment in your own life here are some things to remember.
- Suicide is NEVER the answer. No matter how long you’ve been in the dark, a light will eventually shine through. (If you do have thoughts of suicide please seek the help of a trained counselor.)
- Know that you are not alone. Look to friends and even someone you may not expect, to help you through your personal tragedy.
- Try something new. If you’ve never done yoga, try yoga. If you need to take some time off, take some time off. If your work allows for this. If not, schedule a “me” pampering day.
- Pray. It may feel that God doesn’t answer. I can promise you that He will. It just may be in a way you don’t expect.
- Have faith. This is perhaps the most important thing to do when all seems lost or when you’ve lost a loved one. The pain will go away. (Yes, I never thought it would either). But it does. Have faith that God will lead you back to the light.
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