I should be absolutely thrilled.
I should be following my own advice and celebrating my success but I’m not. Well, not in a big way. I do give myself the occasional nod of approval and atta girl but not too much.
Let me explain.
You see I’ve been here before.
Almost 20 years ago to be exact.
Right before I got pregnant with our son, I lost close to 60 pounds. I was just a few pounds shy of onederland (being under 200 pounds) for the first time in ages but I never got there.
Self-sabotage. In other words, I got scared.
I wasn’t comfortable with all the compliments and stares.
I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror and I was terrified. I had no idea of what it would be like to live life as a smaller woman and I retreated. I gained all of my weight back. I went back to what was normal and comfortable even though I hated being overweight. I hated the automatic assumptions…especially when it came to health care professionals. I wanted to be thin but I wasn’t ready to be thin.
Fast forward 20 years and I’m pretty close to the weight I was before I sabotaged all my hard work.
Even with all the progress and wins, I’m still not ready to go full scale with the celebration just yet.
I have a score to settle. The last time I was here, I let fear march me right back up the scale. This time, fear is getting it’s butt kicked and I’m reaching goal. So it’s very personal…it’s my own little vendetta if you will. I’m happy for the smaller clothes. I’m happy to not be winded taking a flight of stairs. I’m happy to have more clothing options. I truly am.
But still, I’m not ready to go full scale with the celebration just yet. It’s important to me to move past this onederland hurdle. It’s a signpost of sorts that I need to see in my rear view mirror. And I’m very close.
This time, I’m in such a different place. I’m a completely different woman and I did all of the emotional hard work of figuring out my whys…made peace with a whole lot of stuff and now I’m ready for a thinner, healthier me. The outward is lining up with the inward and it’s time.
Because believe it or not, fear still talks smack but it’s different this time.
You might have lost the weight but you won’t get to goal.
You’re over 40 and your weight loss has stalled.
This is as good as it gets so be happy.
So I need to blow past this last sign post for me because I promise, history will not repeat itself. I’m changing the conversation that was had last time I was here. I’m erecting a new monument. This is no longer the place I got scared and retreated. This is no longer the place where I ran. This is the place where I look to the horizon and clearly see the end in sight and I’m not afraid. I’m determined. I lace up my running shoes and prepare for the second half of this journey.
In the meantime, I high-five myself in the mirror, I let my husband adore me and have an absolute ball trying on smaller clothes (I promise I’m having a blast shopping). So yes, definitely celebrate your wins. Take the credit due you!
See y’all at the finish line…complete with fireworks and marching band.
Editor’s note: I decided to try on a dress I kept from 20 years ago. I wore it to an event back then and that was the last time I ever got into it. Well I decided to try it on because I knew one day…well that day was today…May 18, 2016.
Needless to say…I’m celebrating! Cyberscreaming!