I feel I need to start with a disclaimer. This post is not asking victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, or any other kind of violent crime to do anything other than heal and go on to live their best lives. I truly am wishing you the best. I am not asking the families of those who lost loved ones to suicide to do anything other than try to find peace. This post is also not for those who were caught in harm’s way or lost family or friends during any natural disaster.
This post is for those of us who make decisions that aren’t life-threatening, but still challenge us and leave us scrambling to find a way out.
Everybody, good? Alright, let’s continue.
Beyonce asked a valid question in her song, Drunk in Love. She asked, “How the… Well, if you know the song you know how to fill in the blank.
When people enter your life and then life goes sideways, it’s always good to ask yourself a couple of questions.
- What lesson am I to learn and,
- What part of the chaos am I responsible for?
The thing about villains
We all need a villain to blame when bad things happen. And depending on which side of the story you hear, there are at least two—you and the other person telling the story. One of the real-est things I’ve read on social media is that sometimes you will be the villain in someone else’s story. It’s a painful truth and unavoidable. Even for the most devout people pleaser.
But when chaos erupts, it’s good to go back to those two questions…what am I supposed to learn and why did I attract this in the first place?
Here’s what I learned:
- If there is no mutual respect, shared values, unconditional love, honesty, or commitment to the healing process—there is no relationship. I do not buy into “family over everything.”
- When people consistently show you who they are, please believe them.
- We are all light and shadow, good and bad and I could never take away or discount the good someone has done in their life. Unless someone is declared a sociopath, we’re all balancing this light and shadow.
- Just because you understand someone else’s hurt, it doesn’t negate the hurt inflicted on you.
- Fear plays dirty! Fear will tell you all kinds of lies and have you compromise your sanity. Listen, if I have learned anything, it’s this—when fear wants to get into a shoving match—push back. Take the leap of faith! Don’t give into fear unless you want to write your own similar blog post.
- It’s okay to want something. Just don’t consistently seek it out from those who are incapable of giving it to you. A wise woman told me this. “Lisa, it’s like you’re asking this person for a dollar and they don’t have a dollar to give you. And then you get mad because they don’t have the dollar. If they don’t have the dollar, they don’t have the dollar! Find somebody else to give you a dollar!” Thank you, Denika. And let me add, sometimes, you’ll have to get that dollar for yourself.
When you can look back and see your role in the chaos, you open yourself up to healing and growth. And when you truly do your work, you create a vaccine of sorts. Your spidey senses and your intuition get heightened and the likelihood of experiencing anything similar is reduced.
When you can own what’s yours and only yours and forgive yourself for the part you played, you know you’re healing well. When you choose not to stay big mad and simply enjoy the journey, that’s a true sign of growth.
#FullyInoculated #ChoosePeace #PursueHealing